Is this what I'm supposed to look forward to...?

Well, after all is said and done, she never turned in the divorce paperwork that I thought had been turned in weeks ago. Why? My opinion is that once she got me to agree to the divorce, and she moved out, gained a new boyfriend, etc... she knew that she could throw it on the backburner. Kind of like, leave me in limbo, not knowing what is going on.
I got her to give me the paperwork, and I took it to the courts. I finalized the divorce by turning it in. When I told her, she acted surprised that I had done it the same day. I am not sure if she thinks that I can and still want to salvage the relationship, or make it drag on. I don't. She doesn't love me, and she has her new man. That is enough for me to know that there is no reason to hang on.
How confusing is all this to someone's mental health....? Very. I would be going insane if I didn't have my friends at work supporting me, and advising me to "keep it together".
I fell. When I say I fell, I mean I screwed up. Two days ago, I saw her when she dropped off my daughter. I remembered how it felt to hold her, and to kiss her. I told her that I was going to go and see a comedy on the upcoming weekend, and that if she wanted to, she could meet me there.
Now, when we started the divorce proceedings, she had asked me if I would still be willing to go out with her on occassion, and to have sex with her. At the time, I didn't know there was another guy.
So, I proposed this to her, thinking how this was the last week that we would be legally married, and that I wanted to hold her one last time. She got a sad look on her face, and told me that she'd think about it.
The next day, I asked if she was going to meet me, and she got the same look. She then said that it was too hard.
I am reminded how she attempts, and succeeds at controlling every and all situations. Once again, by being a wimp, I was going to allow her to have me on a leash. I feel lost, and was looking to hold onto a familiar object one last time. It would have been easier if she had cursed me out once again, or if she had slapped me. Obviously I mean nothing to her.
I thank my partner at work. I hope I never show him this blog, because he has told me, that after all she has done to me, he would kick me in the boys, if he ever found me trying to get together with her in any way, shape, or form.
He is right, and I am a wimp. I am scared to death of asking anyone to go out with me. I feel like anyone I approach will have the mentality of "shit, here comes that fat guy. I have to deal with him".
My friend tells me that is not the case, but from my view, it is pretty clear. She has guys all over her. I knew she would. I have nothing. Nobody. What I do have is quiet, unwanted Solitude. Is this what I'm supposed to look forward to...?

how could she hate me so much...?

I met my wife at my current place of employ. The county jail. I was a new hire, as was she. I had hopes of achieving everything in the world, and when I met her, I was mezmerized by her smile and friendliness. Then I found out that her aunt and uncle were leutenants over me, and I felt a little pressure.
She and I dated daily for nine months, and over the course of that time, we fell in love. The first time I told her I loved her, she fell asleep on me. I know this because I did not recieve an answer or response, and then I heard the snoring.
She brought a little girl to the table from her previous marriage. This little girl was a serious barricade, only because her mother allowed for any type of behaviour. This girl could be sweet, but did not follow her parents rules.
Over the course of our eight year marriage, my wife accused me of having extra marital affairs, and was constantly hounding me. It got so that it was easier to never speak to any females, then to have her accuse me of messing around. I need to say this, my wife was gorgeous. I could never have wanted anyone else. She did, and still does on occasion take my breath away.
I never once cheated on her. Not once.
However, over the course of that marriage, accusations and rumors would occasionally pop up with people pointing their fingers at her. She always flew into a rage, and condemned those people, with me backing her up like a devoted husband. One of the accusee's was my own aunt. My wife and I were ruthless to her, and I cut my aunt out of my life for her comments.
Due to the jail not being a great place to work, I encouraged my wife to follow employment opportunities at a local police agency. Then something changed. She began to drink. She started going out all night long with a couple of other civilian's that were and are known to sleep around. She would come home at all hours of the night, and get mad at me for being upset and worried.
I dealt with this, and soon found myself drinking as well, as a means to find something in common with her. She still left me there at home with the three children all the time, so that she could go out with her "friends". Our communication was non existant. I took up the graveyard shift so that I could be the daytime babysitter for our one and two year old during the normal working hours. She decided to take up a part time job at a lingerie shop, spending more than she made. I never got to see too much or enjoy the items she bought.
We almost divorced just before Christmas, but somehow I convinced her to try. I went to counseling, and she promised to go as well. She never did. I began taking anti depressants, and started to email with friends, guys and gals. I made a friend, platonic, that was a girl. This gal was several years my junior, was madly in love with her husband, and her husband was aware that she and I corresponded through emails. She cheered me up, kept my going when I was depressed, and told me that my wife and children were worth it and to not give up.
My wife was told that I was having an affair with this gal, by her conniving friends that still worked with me at the jail. My wife accuses me of this, and nothing I could say or do could convince her otherwise. She hacked into my emails, and instead of reading my emails with an open mind of how depressed and lonely I was, she read it with the mentality that I was cheating on her.
She immediately demanded a divorce, and moved out with the two girls. She agreed to let me have the one year old boy live with me. Three days after moving out, I found an officer from her police agency living with her. She swore that I was mistaken, that I didn't understand what was going on, and when she couldn't convince me of that, she told me that she was going to ruin my life and my reputation. She began to curse at me, which in eight years we had never done.
Every time I was in the neighberhood, his truck is at her condo, or his patrol car is in her garage, yet she still tells me that I am an idiot, and that they are just friends. The divorce is still not final.
We cannot go one encounter without her cursing me out, and leaving in a venomous mood. I am shocked, and am finding out from many people that she has been running around on me for quite a few years. The hurt is so deep. Did all the "love" that we shared in the past mean nothing? Was the love that she always profess a facade, just an act, when in reality she considered me an idiot, a joke, something that she and her lover's used as a comedy relief? How is that supposed to make me feel? How am I supposed to shrug it off, like an unwanted sweater? Like it is an itchy item that never meant anything...
My wife was the first and last person I ever slept with. I was twenty eight when I married her. I had opportunities, but always held back. Now, I have anxiety attacks when I think that she is at this moment having sex with someone else. That anxiety attack is what prompted this blog tonight. How do I overcome this pain quickly, as everyone says I should?
My love for her was never a joke. I was devoted to her and the children. I still do not want to hurt her, but it seems that she takes that liberty at will, and relishes in it.
What did I ever do that was so bad? How could she hate me so much...?